So who’s going where?
I don’t know. And neither do you. And neither does anyone else.
Here’s what we do know: nothing. Not much. At least, not much substantive. We know rumors and speculations, fictions, and outright fantasies. What we know for sure we could balance on the head of a pin.
With that in mind, here’s my two-round, crapshoot edition. I’m trying to pick according to what I think each team will do. However, the crapshoot edition also tries to take into account possible wrinkles. Once again, I’m not going to prognosticate trades, even though I think we’ll have more than a few in the first – and potentially more than a few in the first third.
Let’s get it on.
1. Texans: Khalil Mack. Why not? They need help on the defensive side of the ball, and Mack fits the bill. Apparently, Rick Smith likes him better than Clowney, so whatever.
2. Rams: Jadeveon Clowney. Because he’s the BPA, and they can dangle him as trade bait. Worst case scenario? They keep him and start him. Oh, the inhumanity…to the rest of the NFC West.
3. Jags: Johnny Manziel. Why the hell not? Jason La Canfora is reporting that Shahid Khan thinks Manziel will put butts in seats. He’ll also make those butts crap themselves with his on-field derring-do, but I digress.
4. Browns: Sammy Watkins. CLE looks around, surveys what just happens, shrugs and says, “Fuck it…let’s ball out.” Some think Watkins is great insurance in case Gordon runs afoul once again of Johnny Law. That’s all well and good, but the K.I.S.S. principle applies here: Watkins is the best offensive player on the board and makes the Browns offense.
5. Raiders: Blake Bortles. Because they’re the Raiders, and seeing JFF go two picks earlier makes them think the run on QBs is starting. Really, who the hell knows what OAK will do? One thing is sure: it probably won’t make sense, and it’ll probably get booed.
6. Falcons: Greg Robinson. At least Thomas Dimitroff is smart. He takes the most dominant run-blocking OT on the board…despite ATL having an utter lack of a running game. No matter. They will when they draft an RB in the 2nd round.
7. Bucs: Mike Evans. Because he’s big and they need another WR. Evans doesn’t have to be the #1, which means he’ll be a highly effective #2 and can learn from Vincent Jackson. Plus, it’s not like the NFC South has a helluva lotta tall, badass CBs. Somewhere, Josh McCown just got chub.
8. Vikings: Teddy Bridgewater. Because they need a QB, and they think if they don’t take Teddy Red here, they won’t get him later. Well, they’re right on that. But I want them to draft Teddy so the rest of the NFC North defensive players start fantasizing about sacking a stick figure.
9. Bills: Eric Ebron. But they have Scott Chandler, I hear you scream. Yes, well, that’s fantastic. Scott Chandler would be fearsome in a pie-eating competition. On the gridiron? Not so much. Ebron gives them a jolt of athleticism. I hope he likes playing in Toronto.
10. Lions: Darqueze Dennard. This is a crapshoot draft, hence I’m throwing a piece of crap in the air and shooting at it. Look, there’s no denying DET needs help seondary help. Is this early for Dennard? Maybe. Does it fulfill a need? Absolutely. Will Kiper and McShay be surprised by this? Probably. Please God, yes.
11. Titans: Derek Carr. I want Ken Whisenhunt to extend a middle finger to any and everyone. “Yeah, I’m taking Carr. Suck it, fucknuggets.” This pick would make heads explode. Well, I’ll be at Radio City Music Hall. I WANT IT TO RAIN BLOOD!!!
12. Giants: Jake Matthews. Basically, the NYG take a look at what just happened and start pumping the brakes. “Wait, hold on now. There’s too much what-the-fuck going on here. Time to reign all that excitement in.” So, they take Matthews – who, frankly, shouldn’t have fallen this far. But, you’ll have that.
13. Rams: Taylor Lewan. Because they still need an OT, and Lewan is still there and is BPA at that position. But is Lewan simply Richie Incognito 2.0? God, we can only dream. #sarcasm
14. Bears: Aaron Donald. That moaning you hear? That’s Phil Emery, caressing himself in pleasure that Donald’s fallen to them. I don’t want to talk about this anymore; the heavy breathing is creeping me out.
15. Steelers: Kelvin Benjamin. It’s a crapshoot draft. Roethlisberger wants a big target at receiver, and with Mike Evans gone Benjamin is their next best bet. The Steelers had some success with Plaxico Burress, the receiver KB’s been most compared to. At least Benjamin hasn’t shot himself or tested positive for marrywana (unlike his other FSU compadres).
16. Cowboys: Hasean Clinton-Dix. Yes, they need help in the trenches, but I’m going to crapshoot HaHa here because A. he fills a need, and 2. because I can, and 3. because he makes complete sense here – and I doubt DAL is smart enough to do what’s best for them…like solidify their secondary.
17. Ravens: C.J. Mosley. Ozzie Newsome gets the ILB help he so desires…
18. Jets: Odell Beckham, Jr. …which means Rex Ryan joins Phil Emery on the “moaning in ecstasy” wagon. Finally, a legit #1 receiver (sorry, Eric Decker…you’re not that). Also, Rex is on record praising Beckham’s
19. Dolphins: Zack Martin. This isn’t a crapshoot; this is really logical. The Fins need OL help; Martin is still available. Makes a lot of sense. /PleaseGodLetThemFuckThisUp
20. Cardinals: Calvin Pryor. Bwuce Awians isn’t an idiot. He can’t have Carr (whom he really wanted). So, he takes Pryor…then finds an empty closet so he, too, can touch himself at the thought of Patrick Peterson, Honey Badger, Pryor, and Antonio Cromartie in his defensive secondary. Somewhere, Rex Ryan hands him a tissue.
21. Packers: Jimmie Ward. GB sprints to the podium to make their selection, knocking at least three old ladies on their derrieres. Dom Capers gets another excellent player with whom to fail miserably. Remind me again why Capers has a job?
22. Eagles: Brandin Cooks. Crapshoot special!!! Philly gets another weapon on offense. Say it with me now: Mackin, Cooper, Celek, Ertz, Cook, McCoy, Sproles. Wahoo – get your popcorn ready! /DeAngelo Hall poops himself
23. Chiefs: Marquise Lee. Andy Reid knows he needs a complementary receiver to Dwayne Bowe. Truth be told, he knows he needs a receiver that’s better than Bowe. Also, Reid knows which KC BBQ joint has the best lunch specials.
24. Bengals: Justin Gilbert. This pick is too easy. Cincy needs CB help. Gilbert is somehow still around. The choice is easy. But wait: what’s this we see? Mike Brown stomps into the war room. “Goddammit, you pansy-ass SOBs. We need a new QB. That damn ginger’s holding us back. Give me…Tom Savage!” A scuffle breaks out, soon escalating into an all-out skirmish. A blow is struck; Brown goes down like Frazier. Marvin Lewis finds a closet, recently vacated by Rex Ryan, and stashes Brown there. The draft continues.
25. Chargers: Kyle Fuller. Again, they need help on the back end, and Fuller fits the bill. Better yet: he’s eager to double-date with Manti Te’o. #NeverGetsOld
26. Browns: Xavier Su’a-Filo. Roger Goodell proceeds to mangle XSF’s name at the podium. No one notices.
27. Saints: Anthony Barr. Rob Ryan, son of Buddy,/brother of Rex./Howls at moon. Stalks/lambs with bow/and arrow. Takes Barr/embrace death. Killer of souls./Ribs a-plenty.
28. Panthers: Jordan Matthews. This is a crapshoot pick because I’m not sold on Allen Robinson, primarily because I can’t remember a goddamn thing about him from last year.
29. Patriots: Louis Nix III. Why not? They need a space-eater. They also need a reliable WR. They also need a TE. Really, a number of picks make sense here. But my wife loves Notre Dame so Nix is the man.
30. Niners: Cody Latimore. It’s my crapshoot and I can do what I want. Latimore gets the nod here because Jim Harbaugh wants a big WR. Also, Jim Harbaugh is unhinged, which is why he picks Latimore ahead of a better player like CB Jason Verrett. Finally, he now has two players named Lat(t)imore on his team, and neither is as good as he wishes they were.
31. Broncos: Ryan Shazier. The former Buckeye is still sitting there and Elway can’t figure out why. (Sidebar: I wonder if Elway ever has problems seeing around his teeth.) Shazier is awesome.
32. Seahawks: Timmy Jernigan. Guess what? Weed is legal in Washington. Pete Carroll sits TJ down for a little heart-to-heart, after which Jernigan is seen to paste a “Kush or Die” bumper sticker on his newly acquired Smart Car.
***End of Round 1. Agents urge rest for their yet unpicked clients. Jeremy Hill sucker-punches a horse***
33. Texans: Jason Verrett. Bill O’Brien thought about o-line, but decided he couldn’t pass up Verrett. Besides, Verrett went to school and is eager to rock some AFC South heads.
34. Washington: RaShede Hageman. Jay Gruden can’t believe his good luck. How did this guy fall so far? Easy answer, Jay: no one else wanted him. Sleep tight, half-pimp.
35. Browns: Carlos Hyde: Why not? Unless they’re convinced Ben Tate is the answer (are you? Really? Don’t lie) Hyde makes a ton of sense. Tough, physical, and knows how to play in cold weather. Dope.
36. Raiders: Joel Bitonio. He can play both G and OT. He helps solidify the o-line, which is what OAK needs, no matter if it’s Bortles or Schaub starting the year under center.
37. Falcons: Jace Amaro. The time seems right for him to come off the board. Tony G is gone, and Amaro should step right in and start.
38. Bucs: Morgan Moses. TB is bummed because they wanted Bitonio’s versatility to fall to them. They pick up Moses, who should be a day-one starter. Lovie practices “safe sacks” and believe in full QB protection.
39. Jags: Donte Moncrief. CRAPSHOOT ALERT!!! Or maybe not. If Justin Blackmon really won’t be around in 2014, it’s imperative JAX find another WR that can play. They could use OL help, but taking Moncrief gives them 1. A big target, and 2. a WR that doesn’t have to be #1 (Shorts should clearly be the guy here).
40. Vikings: Lamarcus Joyner. Not as much of a crapshoot as you might think. They need S help, and Joyner can play S or a nickel corner. Plus, he’s tough as well….and doesn’t do drugs.
41. Bills: Kyle Van Noy. Another immediate impact guy. He steps right into one of the LB spots and goes to work.
42. Titans: Bradley Roby. Somehow, Roby is still available to them. He fills a clear need and is a really good player.
43. Giants: Dee Ford. The G-Men grab the player who’s apparently better than Clowney. Well, that remains to be seen, but Ford will have every opportunity to get after the passer.
44. Rams: Davante Adams. They need a stud receiver, and Adams will be given every opportunity to be that gives. Chris Givens is a one-trick pony, and Brian Quick isn’t the answer. Assuming they develop, Tavon Austin and Stedmon Bailey – and Austin Pettis – should be some help to Sam Bradford.
45. Lions: Terrence Brooks. He’s primarily a FS but can also play CB in a pinch. Along with Dennard, he gives the DET back-end a serious upgrade.
46. Steelers: Stephon Tuitt. They need help up front and he has the potential to be a beast.
47. Cowboys: Demarcus Lawrence. They need to replace some pieces on the d-line, and Lawrence offers talent at the position. He should step in and contribute immediately.
48. Ravens: Cyrus Kouandjio. They need a SS, but rather than go after Deone Buchanon they take a guy who, assuming his medicals check out, should be a solid play. They can grab a SS later, as well as a C.
49. Jets: Austin Sefarian-Jenkins. Frankly, I don’t like “red flag” players on my team. However, I trust Rex Ryan to curb ASF’s negative impulses and get the most out of him. ASF gives Geno (or Vick; PLEASE GOD!) a big receiving target and strengthens the overall offense.
50. Dolphins: JaWuan James. That’s two picks in a row for the Fins that are not so sexy. No matter. They need help on the o-line, and they can play James at a tackle spot and move Martin inside if they want.
51. Bears: Pierre Desir. Because Desir is going to be a boss, and because the Bears need secondary help. They’re going to hope that Brock Vereen or Ahmad Dixon is still around in the 3rd.
52. Cardinals: Troy Niklas. CRAPSHOOT ALERT!!! Well, they need a TE that can do more than look pretty (yeah, I’m talking about you, Rob Housler). Niklas is raw but has a ton of potential. Bwuce Awians still needs a QB, but he’s hoping a certain Bulldog falls to him in the 3rd.
53. Packers: Allen Robinson. GB gets a complementary WR to Jordy Nelson, allowing Randall Cobb to slide into the slot on a more permanent basis, where he can do some damage. Robinson offers good value here and should contribute immediately.
54. Eagles: Kony Ealy. Ealy’s fallen far enough. I think Philly grabs him and tells him to get after the passer. He has the skills and athleticism to be a difference-maker.
55. Bengals: Scott Crichton. He’s a DE that can get after the passer, and CIN needs someone to replace Michael Johnson. They can get OL help in the 3rd.
56. Niners: Jeremiah Attaochu. I think Aldon Smith is most likely God’s Own Idiot. I don’t care that SF picked up his option; they need a plan just in case Smith goes four loco. Attaochu has a great motor and, while a bit rough, will bring the energy.
57. Chargers: Jarvis Landry. Pairing Landry with Keenan Allen should offer Rivers two quality young receivers. Landry would be a clear upgrade over Vincent Brown. SD takes a receiver here and then prays Justin Ellis is available in the 3rd.
58. Saints: Martavis Bryant. CRAPSHOOT ALERT!!! Look, Colston is getting older and seems to be breaking down. Kenny Stills seems like a solid player, but Nick Toon is a virtual unknown (though I think he’s talented) and they lost Lace Moore to Pittsburgh. NO needs another WR; why not gamble on Bryant? He needs coaching, but if anyone can help him succeed it’s Brees and Payton.
59. Colts: Deone Bucannon. Indy makes sure that their first pick in 2014 is a good one. They need safety help, and at this point it’s between Bucannon and Brock Vereen.
60. Panthers: Jack Mewhort. He makes sense here. The Panthers need help at all o-line positions except C…and that’s the only position Mewhort doesn’t play.
61. Niners: Weston Richburg. He starts immediately. ‘Nuff said.
62. Patriots: Bruce Ellington. CRAPSHOOT ALERT!!! Look, the Pats have a number of “nice” receivers. But, outside of Julian Edelman they have no one that looks like a consistent producer. They’re high on Aaron Dobson, last year’s 2nd-round pick, but why not take Ellington as well, who has the raw talent to be really explosive in the slot. If he learns a route tree, he could be very dangerous.
63. Broncos: Dri Archer. CRAPSHOOT ALERT!!!! But think about it. Demaryius Thomas is a beast, that we know. But Welker is 33 and missed some time with injuries. They signed Emmanuel Sanders from PITT, but no one knows how consistent he’ll be. Why not take a gamble on Archer, whom they can line up in the slot, out of the backfield, and can also return punts and kicks (taking that pressure off Welker). He’s pure offense; wouldn’t that make Manning giggle?
64. Seahawks: Paul Richardson. CRAPSHOOT ALERT!!! The Seahawks are talented all over the place, especially on the defensive side of the ball. With that in mind, why not take a speed demon that can stretch the field? Doug Baldwin and Jermaine Kearse are reliable, and Percy Harvin when/if healthy is a matchup nightmare. Richardson gives Wilson a deep threat and keeps defensive secondaries honest.
So that’s two rounds. Like I said, it’s a crapshoot.